The great striped eagle shall fly westward* between the Statues of Victory of the city of No Hope. At that time the foundation stone of all that is unfounded will turn to slime**. White dust and yellow snow will mix with the slime and Dongarts shall arise. The Dongart shall be 12 meters in height and 24 meters in width, it will shoot lightning from its phallus and boom thunder. It shall mercilessly devour all things that live from sea to sky and its name shall be Rudolph***. The preaching of the promised preacher of Zygone shall echo within labyrinthine cavern walls, calling the faithful to wander in darkness, and they shall see nothing in that darkness and feel only the stone and hear only the echos yet they shall get closer to the source with every step - forward, backward, up, down, left, right - all paths lead to the source if only after the echo of the preaching preacher the followers follow. Those that crawl**** on the sand dunes will mock the sun and scorn the moon, yet from the wings of ducks (from this point onward, the prophecy becomes vague and unclear. Nostradamus' house cleaner started speaking in other languages not of this world, or of any other world for that matter. Thus the last crucial details about the when/where/how of the End is still sealed and known only to those who know.)
*For centruries tradition held that the eagle would fly eastward, but new insights into the revelation indicate otherwise
**Previously "goo".
***Earlier versions of this prophecy named the Dongart "Agatha" but we know now that it was only a nickname.
****Previously "hop".
APOCALYPSE UPDATE #1
After I read the above prophecy at Thursday's Apocalypse preparation class, some practical joker shouted aloud "That's next Wednesday". There has been a lot of unrest and even some panic among cult members in the past couple of days. I want to assure everyone, the end of the world will not be next week. I checked and he's wrong. The irresponsible doomsday crier (who's name I will not mention) is being properly disciplined.
APOCALYPSE UPDATE #2
Astronomers have recently spotted a large meteor heading toward Earth. It is true that the size and speed of the meteor could destroy the Earth on impact. It is also true that this meteor is due to enter our atmosphere next Wednesday.
This in no way validates the doomsday prediction that was recklessly announced by one of our members last Thursday! It is pure coincidence. And it is still WRONG!
The local astronomy society is observing the meteor and assures me that there is no cause for alarm. The meteor will break up into tiny particles during entry into our atmosphere and is mostly harmless.
APOCALYPSE UPDATE #3
According to Moondwabi tradition, all believers are to await the coming of the Prophet Marvin from atop the roof of the Moondwabi Temple.
An astute observer pointed out that our Temple has a domed roof. Of course, at a time like the destruction of Earth, safety is a serious concern. We don't want anyone to slide off the domed roof and need to be teleported to Planet Zygone in a stretcher. To avoid such accidents, the apocalypse will be moved to our parking lot. It will take place on schedule.
The Prophet Marvin has been informed of the change. In fact, he told me that he already knew this - he prophesized it before time began. So, to all who temporarily doubted, don't lose faith. Prophet Marvin's prophecy affirms that our apocalyptic events are following a predestined path.
******
It is futile to try and calculate the date of the end. It leads only to panic and anarchy - and then disappointment when that day comes and passes without event. To know the date of the end is beyond human understanding. The only thing we know for certain is that the apocalypse will occur at exactly midnight.Because the Temple of Moondwabi is located in Toronto, "midnight" will be according to local Eastern Standard Time. For believers in other time zones who cannot attend personally, set your watches to Toronto time. When midnight strikes, be outside, on your roof, ready for the coming of the Prophet Marvin. As we know, Australia is the first country to celebrate New Year's Eve each year. Accordingly, Marvin picks up those believers first.
At that time all of you (my believers) shall gather on the roof of the Moondwabi Temple and raise your arms toward the stars. You shall call the name of the Prophet Marvin three times, that he may come and rescue you. At exactly midnight you shall strip completely naked and be teleported up to the Planet Zygone.
The rest of humanity will remain to suffer the fate that they have made for themselves. Nuclear war, germ warfare, clone wars, natural disasters...one riding upon the other, wave after wave until peace reigns (that is, death).
Despite popular belief, the Earth will not be totally destroyed but shall continue to exist in its damaged state. The non-believers will mostly die and turn into dust but a few will survive. The survivors will start a new civilization on Earth. As an act of mercy, a new Moondwabi will arise among them and the cycle will start again. Perhaps after another 7000 years Marvin will come back for them as well.
NOTE: If the last day of Earth happens on a night when we change our clocks (ie. daylight savings) we go by the new midnight. Be aware of this, lest you strip naked on your roof, raise your hands into the sky - and become the laughing stock of the neighborhood.
APOCALYPSE FAQ
Q:Exactly when is the world going to end?
A:The end of the world isn't a date you can point to on a calendar. Certain conditions must be met and that depends on us. It could happen any time...as soon as God and the Prophet Marvin deem us ready.
Q:Why are predictions about the end of the world always written in riddles?
A:It is a riddle only to those who don't understand.
Q:Why can't you write (them) apocalyptic prophecies in plain English, so that we can understand them and do what needs to be done?
A:The end of Earth will follow a natural course, played out in accordance with human free will and human destiny. The apocalypse must not be forced, faked or contrived. This is why we do not want anyone other than divine beings to understand the prophecies.
Q:So, if we cannot decipher them, why make these prophecies at all?
A:To remind you that every day you should psychologically prepare yourself for the end. The prophecies help keep you on your toes.
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