BOOKS OF THE ANCIENTS volume VIII

DILDO OF THE GODS
Written by the Greek Hedonist philosopher Siphilus (an incarnation of Moondwabi circa. 340 BCE and official baton twirler at Alexander the Great's victory marches)

Note from Moondwabi circa. 2007 CE: This story, lost for over two millennium, was revealed to me in a vision in the steam of my urine, a highly reliable source. Siphilus, being a previous incarnation of myself, was restoring information to me that was lost to my soul's memory during its many reincarnations. Reincarnation is a traumatic ordeal that results in almost total amnesia for the next incarnation - this is why we are rarely born with conscious memories of our past lives. It is the duty of every Moondwabian (leaders and followers alike) to complete the puzzle of who they are, one incarnation at a time, by reclaiming all the wisdom and experiences of our 998 previous incarnations. This is the key to self-healing, to becoming a whole being and to reaching our true potential.

The ancient parable "Dildo of the Gods" has been fully restored to my conscious mind. I am pleased to share this piece of divine wisdom (and a piece of myself) with all of you, my dear readers.

DILDO OF THE GODS

In ancient times Zeus wanted to keep his wife Aphrodite satisfied while he was away waging war against rival gods.

Zeus went to Mt. Olympus to forge in fire a mighty dildo, cast from a mold of his own penis.

This dildo kept Aphrodite satisfied while he was away at war but one day when he returned from a great victory he found that she had grown accustomed to the artificial phallus and even preferred it over that of Zeus.

In jealous rage Zeus grabbed the dildo right out of her vagina and hurled it against the moon where it smashed into millions of pieces.

One piece fell to Earth where it was found by the Oracles of the Great Temple at Hersones.

The Oracles were all female virgins, sanctified for temple service and sworn to never know a man. This did not, however, forbid them from pleasuring themselves by artificial means.

Tragically, the Oracles did not fully understand the incredible power they were about to unleash upon themselves with the Dildo of the Gods. Oh, holy naive virgin girls that they were!

They inserted the mighty marble into their soft wet Oracle pussies.

A pleasure resonated through their entire beings, which went beyond the realm of their human senses. What they felt on that day was something never before felt by mortals (alas, this pleasure was never intended for mortals).

At orgasm their souls flew from their bodies and touched the tip of heaven. The Oracles experienced sexual pleasure in its absolute and purest form, as it exists only in the heavens, in the realm of the gods.

Their mortal flesh melted. Their finite minds unraveled. The tragedy is recorded by the Poet Androginus, as a warning to future generations:
"Such was the fate of holy virgins
Who spread their legs wide
For a piece of the divine
That could never fit inside
And died."
*(Note from Moondwabi: Androginus the Poet is also known as Androginus the Ascetic, who reappears later in this story)

When Aphrodite saw the destruction a mere splinter from her dildo had wrought upon her Earthly servants, she mourned for 7 days and 7 nights (not in a row).

Aphrodite then appointed the mountain demon Zilritheor to destroy the final remains of this ill fated gift from her husband. This winged demon flew down from his rocky dwelling to ensure that humanity never again taste pleasures beyond their mortal realm.

The demon Zilritheor stomped on the Temple grounds until the pillars crumbled, the walls split in two, and an abyss opened beneath him which swallowed the entire structure. The forbidden Dildo of the Gods tumbled into the bottomless abyss along with everything else. When Zilritheor was satisfied that no sign of the Temple, the Oracles or the Dildo remained, he kicked sand over the abyss and filled it up.

And thus was the Dildo of the Gods lost deep below the Earth, in that forgotten spot, to remain there for all eternity.

Indeed, the Dildo of the Gods would have been lost forever, were it not for a certain adventurer-king who rose a few centuries later to conquer all mankind and challenge the gods themselves. This adventurer-king traveled across continents determined to uncover all the secret treasures of our world and his name was Alexander the Great.

Not satisfied with conquering the surface of the Earth, Alexander the Great determined to conquer Hades as well. This would make him ruler of both the land of the living and the land of the dead.

The gate to Hades was known to be located inside a cave in the Strait of Gibraltar. The key to a successful attack, advised Alexander's army commander, was a rear assault - to take the devils of the underworld by surprise. The soldiers needed to dig a backdoor into Hades. But in what spot to dig? What place could provide a short and direct route to the netherworld?

They found a suitable spot when they arrived at Hersones. There was a patch of ground where nothing grew. The ground was covered with the three-clawed footprints of a demon. The footprints were deeply embedded as if this hellish monster had stomped fiercely and violently on this spot to obliterate something forever. Surely this spot provided another entrance to Hades. Alexander ordered his men to dig.

As the hole got deeper and wider, the ruins and treasures of an ancient temple were uncovered. Among the finds was the Dildo of the Gods which Alexander the Great took back to his private chambers.

Alexander the Great inserted the Dildo of the Gods up his asshole and writhed in pleasure for 7 days and 7 nights (with 5 breaks for meals).

The court physician noticed that Alexander the Great was no longer aware of those around him or his kingly duties. The physician tenderly removed the divine phallus from the royal anus of the king, both to save Alexander to Great from death and to save the Empire.

Alas, it was too late. Alexander the Great would rule no more, but he did not die as most history books claim.

This great and mighty king descended into a great melancholy and expressed a desire to die. Behold, here was a man with the world at his feet, untold wealth, harems, servants and all the pleasures of Earthly life - yet he begged to die. After experiencing the highest pleasures of the divine, he could no longer find any pleasure in Earthly existence.

It was on the 7th night of Alexander's agony that he cried with all his might to the gods of old. Aphrodite heard his cries. She was furious and summoned the demon Zilritheor from his mountain peak. "Did I not tell you to rid the world of that thing? You have failed!", she boomed and turned him into stone. She placed his statue atop the Temple of Erotica, a humiliating punishment for such a mighty demon, as he was now among carvings of naked baby angels. Zilritheor's frightening figure would serve as a warning to passerby, a warning not to screw up. (Moondwabi notes: The modern gargoyle continues this tradition and can be seen on buildings all over the world) Zilritheor remained trapped in stone for centuries, until finally, when the Temple of Erotica was destroyed by war, the statue of Zilritheor broke into pieces and his soul was freed.

The punishment inflicted by Aphrodite upon Zilritheor did nothing to help Alexander, but she sure felt a lot better after doing it.

Without a leader, the army of Alexander the Great halted its advance in India and set to turn back. Meanwhile, a royal proclamation was sent throughout the Empire, from Macedonia to the borders of India, asking for a wise man to come forth with a solution.

Androginus The Ascetic came forth. Alexander asked him: "Dear wise one, Androginus answered Alexander the Great harshly and impudently, for he was an ascetic and feared no mortal king. "Fool! You missed the whole point of life! Who ever said it was about pleasure?"

Androginus explained, "The purpose of life is to suffer the physical world - pain or pleasure, they are one and the same - only by doing good deeds will you attain spiritual pleasure."

Alexander the Great shed his royal garb and tossed his crown to the floor. He donned sack cloth (a discarded potatoe sack from this royal kitchen) and became a disciple of the ascetic Androginus.

A fear descended upon all of Alexander's advisors, generals, governors and anyone else of any stature in the heiarchy of the Empire. Lest the people choose to follow Alexander the Ascetic and turn the Empire into nothing, a cover up was made and Alexander was declared dead.
*(Moondwabi notes: History books record that Alexander the Great died at a young age. Thanks to my previous incarnation, Siphilus, humanity now knows the truth!)

It is said that Alexander the Ascetic went on to experience spiritual pleasures greater than any orgasm, for the ability to grow spiritually is something infinite. Indeed, the opportunity for spiritual growth is something even the gods don't have.

As for the fate of the Dildo of the Gods, various conflicting accounts cast a fog over the truth. Some say that Alexander took it with him as his walking staff. Others insist that a Hebrew pilgrim donated it to the Temple at Jerusalem, where the high priest put it in the Holy of Holies next to the Ark of the Covenant and the five books of Moses. There are even some heretics who say the Dildo of the Gods never existed at all. And thus is remains lost till this very day, the stuff of legends.

COMMENTARY BY MOONDWABI:

When I first heard this story, it seemed almost contrary to Moondwabian philosophy. After writing it down, I almost relegated it to my apocryphal texts. Then I reread it and discovered the deeper meaning.

On the surface, the story says that Earthly pleasure is limited. When the Oracles taste even a small amount of heavenly pleasure, then all the pleasures of Earth become as nothing. The Oracles can't possibly return to the world of the living. There's nothing to come back to except pain - the painful longing to remain in heaven forever.

When Alexander the Great stumbles upon the dildo, he is not quite at the same spiritual level of the holy Oracles who used it before him. Nonetheless, even he gets enough of a taste of divine pleasure to make all his Earthly conquests seem meaningless and empty. This is where the story takes a turn toward an ascetic philosophy, quite in opposition to the Moondwabi way of life.

Alexander learns from Androginus that there is a pleasure greater than all the pleasures of Earth and heaven combined - an infinite pleasure. This is the pleasure of doing good deeds. The story doesn't quite define what "good deeds" are but I assume that they require the selfless sacrifice from the individual for the good of others. After all, Alexander's guide is Androginus the Ascetic who gave up all physical attachments to this world before setting out on his own mission.

So, am I to believe that the followers of Moondwabi should relinquish all physical pleasure in pursuit of purely spiritual pleasure?

Let us not forget that Alexander went to heaven too early, while still alive! This is like eating dessert before the meal. Imagine if all the Moondwabians were to go to Planet Zygone today - and in a week they're told that they must return to Earth.

The true message of this story is that Earth offers two kinds of pleasures, physical and spiritual. Neither one demands the exclusion of the other. You can spend your time doing good deeds (which is what we do all day in the Moondwabi cult) and you can have sex whenever you want (which is another thing we do all day, and it falls partly under the category of "good deeds")

Because Alexander the Great experienced physical pleasure in the spiritual realm of the gods, he corrupted that physical part of himself and in doing so destroyed any chance of ever enjoying purely physical pursuits on Earth (sex, luxury, etc). Let us not make the same mistake!